Friday, March 4, 2011

Disillusioned Dreams


I blame Barbie.  I know a few posts back I was all about Barbie and how much I loved her as a child, and I did.  Do you see the problem with that?  I loved a doll that had a figure that’s not human, a rock on her finger the size of a baseball, the handsome (though somewhat feminine….hmmmmmm) man, the dream house, the corvette, a horse, a huge wardrobe and she tried out every career one could think of but never had to choose just one.  Damn her.  I fell for it hook, line and sinker.  I would sit for hours and plan out my future and guess what?  It resembled Barbie’s, a lot.  OK, I never had nor wanted her figure.  Sure, as an overweight child, I had dreams of being thin but I never wanted to be “Barbie” thin.  I did want the dream house, the convertible looked fun, and a horse?  You bet!  I even hoped I would meet my own Ken and we would have a family.

*insert laughter here*

Want to hear how close I came to that?  Well let’s see…..I never did manage to be thin though I have struggled with my weight my ENTIRE life.  I even went so far as to have lap band surgery but I am still a solid size 24.  Boo. 

I have a rock on my finger and it is not the size of a baseball but the love it represents is larger than I can explain.  Was my rock presented to me by Ken?  Nope.  Todd?  Wrong again.  Somewhere along the line I decided that it didn’t matter if the person I loved was a Ken or a Barbie.  I learned that love is love and I didn’t care what the person’s gender was.  My rock, and I’m not talking about the ring anymore, is another Barbie (though a much more butch version). 

Next on the list was the dream house.  Hmm….let me look around.  Sitting here at my kitchen table I can see nearly every inch of our apartment.  It’s small. Really, really small.  Do I care that I don’t have multiple levels of impeccably decorated cardboard walls and an elevator operated by a pull string?  Nope.  I could use a “little” more space but I make do with what I have and I know that it’s not possessions and material things that matter. 

I never did have a convertible. Lots of sensible vehicles, from compact cars to mini vans, have graced our driveways and I love it.  I love having a family car and the only thing I wish is that I had a third row so I could transport my kids’ friends. 

I don’t have a horse and quite frankly my hands are full with our dog, two cats, rabbit and fish.  I can’t imagine taking care of a horse too.  We do occasionally visit a farm where my partner learned how to ride when she was little.  The horses there are great fun and we don’t have to clean up the mess. 

In the end I would have to say I am not living Barbie’s charmed life and I honestly am very happy about that.  We live on a very tight budget, so tight we often exceed it….oops!!  We do so because we chose to live on one income shortly after our first son was born.  His immune system and child care did not get along well.  I have NEVER regretted leaving my teaching job to stay home with him.  We live simply because of it, we have become very resourceful people and we appreciate EVERYTHING that we have.  I wish we didn’t struggle quite as much as we do but it is completely worth it.

Dear Barbie,
I used to want to be you.  I thought you had it all.  Then, I grew up.  I realized that even though you were always smiling you could not have always been happy.  Who could be happy with underwear that was permanently molded to their body?  I, Barbie, broke free from my dreams of being you and in the process……I became me. 
Sincerely,
Colleen

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