Thursday, March 15, 2012

Living In the Moment

I used to hate all of those corny sayings like "be in the moment", "focus on the now", "one step at a time" and all the others I have blocked from my mind.  I don't know why they struck such a nerve with me but they literally made my skin crawl every time someone posted them on FB or said them out loud.  Lately though, I've been living in the moment, there I said it.  I have so many balls up in the air and I am trying to do so much that living in the moment is the only way to survive.

Life is busy for everyone, I know.  We all have our stuff whether we have kids or not.  Somehow, everyone I know has a full plate and needs more hours in their day.  I often wonder why we all do this to ourselves.  For me, everything that's going on is something I want to be involved with and I find it hard to say no to things that are important to me. 

My friend Jess is doing great after having her brain tumor removed but will soon start chemo.  I chat with her on FB more than anything lately and it's nice to have bits and pieces of her friendship back as she feels better.  I often remind myself that when things look or feel really bad for me, she has it worse and I shouldn't complain.  I've been running her donation site to raise funds to help with their expenses, organizing a group of people to donate meals for her family, and trying to spread the word about a benefit dance her family and friends have organized.  I wish I could do more, wish I could donate meals myself but since I can barely afford to feed my own family I organize and donate my time instead.

Sadie's eyesight has been deteriorating quickly and we are waiting until April 17th to head to Boston and get some answers.  We have known all along this would happen eventually but the swiftness in which it occurred is troubling and we are hoping to be able to fix some of it.  It's particularly difficult for me because I know that she is struggling big time with work and day to day things and is extremely stressed about thinking about the future and what is to come.  I try to support the best I can but inside I am equally as stressed.  This means huge changes for our family dynamic as she may no longer be our breadwinner.  I've been keeping my eye on the job market and polishing up my resume but I do so with a heavy heart.  I don't blame her in any way, let's get that out of the way. She never asked to be blind, I get that.  It's just a lot for me to process and I can already feel myself mourning my stay at home mom status. I am thankful for every day I have had home with my boys, volunteering in the schools, arranging playdates, transporting to appointments, etc. and I know I should focus on what I have had and not on what I will not in the future.  It's just hard.  I knew this day would come but are you ever really ready?? 

Riley is getting ready for Kindergarten!  I can't believe that  my baby is going to school.  Wow. I registered him the other night and set up his screening appointment.  Now I am also dealing with his IEP and getting speech services set up for him in public school.  There are so many details to remember and ducks to get in a row.  In addition I think he has some sort of food allergy but his pediatrician doesn't agree.  Time to call back and fight for my kid and what he needs!

Then there's money.  When isn't money a concern? I think I have finally come up with enough to regsiter my car by the end of the month which is a relief.  The big stress is that my lease comes to an end in June.  I want to buy the car out credit sucks and I need a co-signer.  Sadie's credit isn't good enough so that leaves me......without a co-signer, without a car, ugh.  Even if by some miracle someone steps forward and offers to co-sign I don't have any money to put towards buying the car.  Nothing for the taxes and fees, etc.  I'm at a loss and the stress of this weighs on me every moment of every day.

Housing.  My mom put her house on the market so she can move up here and buy a house we can all live in together.  It's very promising and the thought of living in a home and not an apartment anymore is amazing.  Then there's the but......but, it can't happen until her house sells.  I worry about all the extra work she's done to ready her house for the market, all the extra money she's spent and worry she won't be able to sell it for the price she needs to pay off her mortgage.  I also worry she'll regret moving and living together and somehow will blame me.  I love her so much for wanting to help and want everything to go well but I am realistic and know there will be bumps in the road.  I just hope we can make it through them OK. 

So there's my bitch fest, my gut spill, my explanation to the world why I am not myself lately.  All of these balls in the air, all of this juggling, worry, stress,'s all sitting here in my head spinning round and round. And now, I will remind myself to live in the moment, this moment in which the dog needs to go out, fun.