Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Little One

Sadie and I agreed upon having one child.  She was terrified of being a parent and never imagined herself in that role so one was a huge step.  It wasn't much after Big Guy turned one that I knew I HAD to have another baby. I can't really explain it except to say it didn't feel like an option for me.  Something, somewhere was nagging at me and I just knew I had to do it.  Sadie was reluctant at first but when the same donor we used for Big Guy had some vials returned that were available we jumped on it.  It must have been fate that I checked the cryobank website that day but I swooped in and bought those vials as fast as a momma bird swooping in to protect her young. 

Conceiving Little Guy was difficult.  There was a lot more pressure because we had a limited number of vials (8) which gave us four months of trying to conceive. (We chose 2 vials a month, some people only do 1).  Months one and two came and went and that damn pregnancy test broke my heart every time.  My cycle got funky from stress and I went to talk to my doctor about getting some help through medication.  I was prescribed Clomid and sent off to try again.  The third month of trying I was completely convinced I was pregnant.  The test, negative.  I couldn't understand it until I learned that Clomid side effects can mirror early pregnancy symptoms.  Humph.  I was depressed, anxious and moody doesn't even begin to describe my Clomid attitude.  I would literally laugh and smile one minute and sob uncontrollably the next.  I seriously considered not doing Clomid for the next cycle because the side effects were so bad.  I could not give up.  I took the meds and went on to our last month.  The pressure was immense, it was all on me at this point and this was our last shot.  I scheduled the two days of insemination's and went to the first.  Sadie had an important meeting and couldn't be there so I braved it alone.  IUI (intrauterine insemination) wasn't horrible by any means, some times it was slightly painful and others not at all, it's just nerve wracking.  I was sitting in the exam room waiting for my doctor to come in and do the procedure.  A fair amount of time had passed and I was getting more and more anxious. Then, a knock at the door and in walked one of my favorite NP's.  Shuffling in behind the NP was another woman and they both looked very solemn.  I don't remember the exact wording but I was told that the medical assistant had, while preparing the vial for insemination, accidentally spilled it's contents.  Horror.  I cried, a lot.  This, our last month, our last two vials and now one of them was gone.  The donor had retired and there were no others out there and she spilled one???  I could not comprehend how it happened, could not understand why it was happening to me.  I re-assured the assistant that while I was devastatingly sad I was not angry at her, and I wasn't.  Mistakes do happen, to everyone, and she was genuinely sorry.  How could I be angry at her?  I was, instead, angry at the world.  The prepared the last vial and I was inseminated and instead of the usual 10 minutes with my feet in the air they gave me at least 20 to try to ease my mind.  It didn't matter though, I knew I would not get pregnant. Nothing had gone as planned this time, nothing was working and the spilled vial was just another sign I should be happy with Big Guy and let it go.  Low and behold, just 9 days later there was a + on the pregnancy test, faint but there.  I was convinced it was a false positive because in my head I had resigned to the fact that this wasn't going to work.  I took something like 11 tests before I believed it. 

My pregnancy went fairly smooth.  I had some issues with my blood pressure but nothing like the pre-eclampsia I experienced with Big Guy.  I spent one night in the hospital prior to delivery because of elevated pressure and little fetal movement but all was well in the end.  Little guy arrived on his scheduled c-section date at 39 weeks.  My doctor had to use the vacuum to get him out because he was so tightly wedged in my pelvis and could barely lift him over the curtain for me to see.  In fact, all I got to see were the family jewels.  Little guy weighed in at 10 pounds 14 ounces and from the moment my eyes met his I knew why he had to be.  Little Guy is an old soul, someone you've known forever. 

I can't imagine life without my boys and I am ever so thankful to the man who chose to be a sperm donor.  I do not know your name or where you live but I feel like I know so much about you through watching my boys grow.  You will never be able to understand the gift you have given me.  You gave me the gift of motherhood, you gave me the gift of sons, you gave me the gift of life. 

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