Wednesday, February 26, 2014
I saw my doctor again yesterday for a follow up to my new antidepressant. My depression quiz score remains unchanged and the fact that I burst into tears as soon as she walked in tells us the Wellbutrin hasn't helped. I'm a mess. She handed me a box of tissues, she doubled my meds., and she checked out my shoulder which has been painful for months. I have a rotator cuff injury, yippee. I've lost 11 pounds in a month and while she was happy with the weight loss she's not because I just don't care about food. Food was always my comfort, my best friend when no one else was there and now? I just don't care. Eat, don't eat, doesn't much matter.
I left that appointment and went to therapy where I cried some more and then cried all the way home and then crawled into bed and cried some more. I just can't shake the sadness. I'm barely functioning, barely pulling off the things I need to on a daily basis. It's exhausting to pretend you are fine. It's exhausting to smile when you are choking back tears and it's exhausting trying to find the positive when the world keeps raining shit on you.
I am letting everyone down. I need to work because the apartment we had to move in to is so expensive that we can't stay without more income but there are no other places in our town to go. I can't work. How can I work when I cry all day, when I sleep to stop feeling the pain, when I skip eating because it's too exhausting to get up and make a sandwich. I can't. I want to, I want to provide for my family and make things better but I can't and that makes me feel horrible. I feel like a loser. How could I not help my family? I know that people think I should suck it up and do what needs to be done but I can't. I've sucked it up for so long and been strong for so long that I can't anymore. I have no strength left, I have no one left to lean on and I just can't.
My therapist warned me I wasn't far from a 72 hour vacation, if you know what I mean. She told me I needed to ask for help more and do less. Who do I ask? My friends are busy with their own lives and I have no family around here that I can turn to.
I am alone. No one understands this hell. There is no one who won't judge me for where I am right now. Everywhere I look people say they understand but then I see it in their eyes, the judging.....the thinking I could be better than I am, that I am not trying hard enough.
So, no, the Wellbutrin hasn't helped, the therapy hasn't helped and I worry that this will go on indefinitely. Most depression lows for me last 8-12 months. I don't think I have 8-12 months of fight in me. Something has to give, I've paid my dues.........I need something good to happen, soon.