Wednesday, January 8, 2014

It's Back and Why I feel like a Hypochondriac

So here I am, on the other side of major foot surgery and my foot is pretty good.  Sometimes I can even walk without a limp.  So I should be happy, right?  Ha!  I love that my foot is better and I am actually happy that I had the surgery because being able to get up from a seated position and just start walking without stiffness and excruciating pain is amazing.  Really, it is.  The problem is that something else is flaring up, again. 

I call it "something else" because I don't know what it is.  I don't know what causes it.  I am tired, again.  Not normal mom-of-two-boys low stamina after surgery tired. I mean exhausted, every cell in your being willing you to lay down and sleep tired.  I am skip going out with friends, put comfy clothes on after I shower so I can crawl back into bed tired.  And, I hurt.  My joints hurt like there's no tomorrow.  My neck, my shoulders, my elbows, wrists, fingers, knees ankles, toes, even my breastbone hurts.  It feels like when you get a really high fever and everything in your body aches.  Yea, like that, every day for the past few days.  The problem is I have no fever, I'm not fighting any illness that I know of and this happens to me every few months.  It can last a day or two or a few weeks and then it just goes away.  I can't pinpoint why, what I do differently, anything really that would give me an answer.

I have depression, could this simply be a physical manifestation of the depression flare ups?  Sure, I guess it could.  It would make sense.  Things have not been easy over the past month or more and I am faced with a lot of changes in the next few months that are daunting.  So, sure, it could be the depression and I am open to that but other times this has happened haven't coincided with depression flares. 

Is it that I'm fat?  Well there's an easy one to throw out there.  I am, fat that is.  Morbidly obese according to BMI charts.  So sure, that could be it too.  Extra weight on joints causes pain but why don't they hurt ALL the time.  Why are there episodes of pain and then long stretches without?  And, I've lost a few pounds over the last month or so.  Nothing to write home about but losing a few shouldn't cause me to suddenly have joint pain.

Sigh......I don't know.  Sometimes I think that I read in to my symptoms too much and I am a hypochondriac.  The thing is though, I hate the doctor and I have a huge tolerance for pain.  Huge.  So when I hurt and admit to hurting it's pretty bad because I can push through things that send others to seek medical help.  So while I worry I am a hypochondriac there is also this little voice in my head telling me there's something there, something is wrong, something has not been diagnosed.  I don't think it's deadly, I don't think it's huge I just think there's something that could be diagnosed and I would know I am not crazy.  Or maybe I am crazy.  Maybe people just feel this way and I don't know it.  Maybe, just maybe, it's just me.

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