Fear. 4 little letters but such an incredibly powerful thing. The unthinkable happened recently in CT. I cannot, at all, wrap my head around it still. Mental illness is no stranger to me as any of you who knew my father can attest to. However, I cannot wrap my head around the lives of innocent children being taken.
I've read a lot on the subject since it happened and the one thing I could understand is one mom who said it's because we know what 6 and 7 looks like. As moms, we know how completely innocent 6 and 7 year olds are and we know what they do, think about, dream about, etc. every day. It hits closer to home than other tragedies, not to say any one is more tragic than the other, it's just easier for us to relate to. Here's the thing though, I don't want it to be easier to relate to. I don't want to think about children dying in such a horrible way in a place where they should be safe. I've taught first grade. I know what a first grade classroom looks like. I know the books they were probably reading and where they were in math. I know that the biggest concern they had before that day was who they were going to play with at recess and whether or not their teacher would allow sweets at the holiday party. I don't want to think about that classroom filled with little bodies riddled with bullet holes. I know that sounds selfish but it's just too much.
In my head I can go to a place where it's me, I'm a teacher in that school. Would I have been able to keep my cool? Would I have been so self less? I struggle with thinking I would do whatever it takes to protect the children in my care but what about my own children? Who's protecting them? Sigh......would I sacrifice myself for someone else's children and leave my own children alone? I can't imagine being put in that situation.
Since the shooting I've been on edge. How can I feel good about sending my kids to school each day? How can I avoid thinking about what could happen while they are there? There it is again, FEAR.
I've chosen, and I didn't say it's the best choice, to put it behind me. Every day there are so many things we should be afraid of; car accidents, fires, burglaries, shootings and those are just the big ones. I can't and I won't live my life in constant fear. What happened in CT was so completely random and unlikely to happen to my children that I have to push through my fear and put on my happy face as I send them off on the bus. I can't let the fear win.
I listen to my mommy gut and make decisions based on how I feel about things and my mommy gut says they are going to be OK. If there comes a day when my gut says to keep them home, I will, believe me.
As a mom there are so many things we worry about for our kids. I can't even count the number of nights I've lost sleep worrying about them. Right now Little Guy is up in Grammy's bed with a fever and I worry it'll turn into something more, that he will be in pain, that he will be sick at Christmas. See? We already have so much to worry about that there are things we need to let go.
I will never forget what happened in Newtown and I will never forget the little faces I've seen on the news. I will always remember the parents who lost their children. I will be vigilant and advocate for safer schools but I will not let it stop me from living my life and letting my kids live theirs. I can't, what kind of life would that be?
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The Story of Aiden
When I first met Sadie she didn't want kids. I did. It was not a match made in heaven. It took a little bit for her to come around but she did eventually agree one kid would be OK.
I made short work of figuring out the logistics. Once we picked a cryobank (sperm bank) we had to choose a donor. We poured over profiles trying to figure out what was important to us and what wasn't. In the end, there was one donor we loved above all others. We chose our two backups (though truly hoped they wouldn't be needed) and got ready to order. Sadie called to place the order and low and behold, our number one choice was not available. What??? We went with choice number two, did the insemination and nada, not pregnant.
The second month Sadie called we discovered our number one choice was back!! Yay!! We did the insemination's and just 12 days later we knew; we were pregnant! I remember that day so clearly. I woke up early and peed on one of about 3,658 pregnancy tests I had on hand. It quickly looked negative and I climbed back into bed and slept a little longer. When I woke up later the test was positive. Hmm......now, I was new to this but knew that after a certain time frame a negative test could turn positive even if you weren't pregnant and you really shouldn't read them after the time frame but for some reason this little glimmer of hope and excitement started building. The tests I had at home were super cheap, off the Internet, crappy tests so I was dying to run out and get a good one. I showered, dressed and was ready to go when I realized my car was not in front of my house where I had left it. Huh? It had snowed and apparently the city had issued a parking ban and while I slept I missed the sound of a tow truck taking away my car. UGH. The thought of having to get my car back made me nauseous...hmm.....nauseous? I was even more excited and anxious now to get a good pregnancy test. I did eventually get my car back and I went to CVS to buy every pregnancy test they had and yes, I was in fact pregnant. I remember the shear joy, the excitement, the feeling of wonder and amazement that we had done it and I was baking up my own little human. Crazy.
The pregnancy wasn't too bad. I had my fair share of morning sickness and Sadie has plenty of stories about me getting sick but every time I got sick I reminded myself how lucky I was to be pregnant at all and I was thankful it had been so easy. While ocassionally uncomfortable, I was lucky that the pregnancy was fairly easy. My blood pressure was creeping up the further I got and I had to do a few 24 hour urine tests but everything was OK. I was teaching pre-K/K at a day care center at the time and b/c class was out for the year I was spending the summer in the baby and toddler rooms. At my 36 week routine appt. my OB was again concerned with my blood pressure and requested another 24 hour urine collection and pulled me from work. It was a Thursday afternoon. I did the 24 hour collection and had to bring it to Maine Med Sat morning and have some blood work done. I went home after the blood draw and waited to hear from my OB's office about the results. I wasn't worried at all, I had done this a few times. It was maybe an hour later when my phone ring and I was talking with the OB on call. There was protein in my urine, it looked like pre-eclampsia, and I was told to come check in to the hospital as soon as possible because this was serious and either myself or the baby could die. WOW. Those are really the words he used and will forever be burned into my brain. I showered, grabbed my bag, and threw the uninstalled car seat into our minivan and then drove myself to the hospital.
In the hospital parking lot before I went in I installed the car seat (I was worried no one else would be able to figure it out if I ended up having to have the baby early. It was purely a "just in case" measure). I checked in to Mercy hospital and seriously felt like all the hub bub was for nothing, I felt fine. Aiden looked good on the monitor, I was not having any contractions, all was well. The OB told me he'd monitor me for 24 hours and if everything looked good I could go home. Phew. Later that day there was a shift change and the new OB on call came in to do an exam. The part I remember vividly is when she tested my knee reflexes. She hit my knee and my leg bounced up and down a lot. She asked me again how I felt and I said fine because I did. She told me I was really sick with pre-eclampsia and she needed to induce labor. From that point on I had a nurse in my room 24/7 and I was not allowed to leave the bed except to use the bathroom. I never realized how sick I was and I am thankful that I never felt sick and thankful that the doctors caught it.
Labor induction sucked. Flat out sucked. From the very beginning I had contractions (though mild) and it took forever. They started around midnight Saturday night and Aiden did not arrive until 5:12PM on Monday. I hurt, a lot. I wanted a natural child birth but there's nothing natural about pitocin and not being allowed to get up and move around. Sometime Sunday night I caved and had nubaine and later, an epidural. I slept in short fits after that but not for long b/c the epidural stopped working. By Monday morning I was feeling every contraction, throwing up, shaking, and exhausted. They tried to fix the epidural but never got it and I had to suffer through, laying on my back in a hospital bed, attached to a blood pressure cuff. Misery.
Late Monday afternoon they became concerned with Aiden's heart rate and opted to put a monitor on his head to get better readings. They were still concerned. I made it to 8CM dilated and the OB asked me to give one good push so he could see what would happen. Aiden did not tolerate that at all and it was decided I was going for a c-section, now. Things happened pretty quickly. With the epidural not working they gave me dose after dose of lidocaine through the epidural line but it wasn't working. They were still injecting lidocaine as they rolled me down the hall to the OR. The lidocaine hit all at once and I couldn't feel anything below my chin, it was scary.
In the OR I couldn't feel myself breathing which was weird and I wasn't breathing well so they had to give me oxygen. Sadie came in right before they began and sat with me. I fell asleep :( I had been having contractions for over 40 hours and slept so little that now that the pain was gone I could not stay awake. I did not get to hear them say when he was born but came to shortly after he arrived. Aiden did not cry :( I remember the panic setting in. I looked over at the warmer and could see that he was blue. His first APGAR score was a 2. They worked wonders and a few minutes later his second score was 6 or 7. He pinked up a little and was breathing. I was not allowed to hold Aiden, he was wheeled by in an incubator and I only got that little glimpse. My poor baby was not tolerating being born 3.5 weeks early and did not like all the drugs they had to give me b/c of the eclampsia.
Sadie went with Aiden and once back in the room I heard he was 7lbs 6oz and 20.25" long, a good size for his gestational age. She said he was making these cute little grunty noises which the nurse then told her weren't good noises, he was struggling to breathe. I wanted to see my baby so badly but there I was back in that bed, flat on my back attached to a blood pressure cuff and a morphine pump for pain. I begged, and begged to see him and finally just after 7PM they brought Aiden to me. I was warned he wasn't holding his temperature well and may have to head back to the warmer. He was crying when they handed him to me and as soon as I held him against me he stopped. One of the nurses said "that's the first time he's stopped crying." Sigh.....he just wanted his momma. I wrapped him up tight and cuddled him close in hopes of keeping him with me and it worked. His temperature regulated and that boy never left my side again.
Aiden is a Leo: Leo is the fifth sign of the zodiac. These folks are impossible to miss, since they love being center stage. Making an impression is Job One for Leos, and when you consider their personal magnetism, you see the job is quite easy. It's the Lion that symbolizes Leos, and the king (or queen) of the jungle is a most appropriate mascot, since they consider themselves the rulers of their universe (and the zodiac at that).Leo is ruled by the Sun -- the center of the universe and the fuel for our being. Those born under this sign are fearless and strong, which may be why Lions plunge in headfirst and let the chips fall where they may.
It explains so much :)
I made short work of figuring out the logistics. Once we picked a cryobank (sperm bank) we had to choose a donor. We poured over profiles trying to figure out what was important to us and what wasn't. In the end, there was one donor we loved above all others. We chose our two backups (though truly hoped they wouldn't be needed) and got ready to order. Sadie called to place the order and low and behold, our number one choice was not available. What??? We went with choice number two, did the insemination and nada, not pregnant.
The second month Sadie called we discovered our number one choice was back!! Yay!! We did the insemination's and just 12 days later we knew; we were pregnant! I remember that day so clearly. I woke up early and peed on one of about 3,658 pregnancy tests I had on hand. It quickly looked negative and I climbed back into bed and slept a little longer. When I woke up later the test was positive. Hmm......now, I was new to this but knew that after a certain time frame a negative test could turn positive even if you weren't pregnant and you really shouldn't read them after the time frame but for some reason this little glimmer of hope and excitement started building. The tests I had at home were super cheap, off the Internet, crappy tests so I was dying to run out and get a good one. I showered, dressed and was ready to go when I realized my car was not in front of my house where I had left it. Huh? It had snowed and apparently the city had issued a parking ban and while I slept I missed the sound of a tow truck taking away my car. UGH. The thought of having to get my car back made me nauseous...hmm.....nauseous? I was even more excited and anxious now to get a good pregnancy test. I did eventually get my car back and I went to CVS to buy every pregnancy test they had and yes, I was in fact pregnant. I remember the shear joy, the excitement, the feeling of wonder and amazement that we had done it and I was baking up my own little human. Crazy.
The pregnancy wasn't too bad. I had my fair share of morning sickness and Sadie has plenty of stories about me getting sick but every time I got sick I reminded myself how lucky I was to be pregnant at all and I was thankful it had been so easy. While ocassionally uncomfortable, I was lucky that the pregnancy was fairly easy. My blood pressure was creeping up the further I got and I had to do a few 24 hour urine tests but everything was OK. I was teaching pre-K/K at a day care center at the time and b/c class was out for the year I was spending the summer in the baby and toddler rooms. At my 36 week routine appt. my OB was again concerned with my blood pressure and requested another 24 hour urine collection and pulled me from work. It was a Thursday afternoon. I did the 24 hour collection and had to bring it to Maine Med Sat morning and have some blood work done. I went home after the blood draw and waited to hear from my OB's office about the results. I wasn't worried at all, I had done this a few times. It was maybe an hour later when my phone ring and I was talking with the OB on call. There was protein in my urine, it looked like pre-eclampsia, and I was told to come check in to the hospital as soon as possible because this was serious and either myself or the baby could die. WOW. Those are really the words he used and will forever be burned into my brain. I showered, grabbed my bag, and threw the uninstalled car seat into our minivan and then drove myself to the hospital.
In the hospital parking lot before I went in I installed the car seat (I was worried no one else would be able to figure it out if I ended up having to have the baby early. It was purely a "just in case" measure). I checked in to Mercy hospital and seriously felt like all the hub bub was for nothing, I felt fine. Aiden looked good on the monitor, I was not having any contractions, all was well. The OB told me he'd monitor me for 24 hours and if everything looked good I could go home. Phew. Later that day there was a shift change and the new OB on call came in to do an exam. The part I remember vividly is when she tested my knee reflexes. She hit my knee and my leg bounced up and down a lot. She asked me again how I felt and I said fine because I did. She told me I was really sick with pre-eclampsia and she needed to induce labor. From that point on I had a nurse in my room 24/7 and I was not allowed to leave the bed except to use the bathroom. I never realized how sick I was and I am thankful that I never felt sick and thankful that the doctors caught it.
Labor induction sucked. Flat out sucked. From the very beginning I had contractions (though mild) and it took forever. They started around midnight Saturday night and Aiden did not arrive until 5:12PM on Monday. I hurt, a lot. I wanted a natural child birth but there's nothing natural about pitocin and not being allowed to get up and move around. Sometime Sunday night I caved and had nubaine and later, an epidural. I slept in short fits after that but not for long b/c the epidural stopped working. By Monday morning I was feeling every contraction, throwing up, shaking, and exhausted. They tried to fix the epidural but never got it and I had to suffer through, laying on my back in a hospital bed, attached to a blood pressure cuff. Misery.
Late Monday afternoon they became concerned with Aiden's heart rate and opted to put a monitor on his head to get better readings. They were still concerned. I made it to 8CM dilated and the OB asked me to give one good push so he could see what would happen. Aiden did not tolerate that at all and it was decided I was going for a c-section, now. Things happened pretty quickly. With the epidural not working they gave me dose after dose of lidocaine through the epidural line but it wasn't working. They were still injecting lidocaine as they rolled me down the hall to the OR. The lidocaine hit all at once and I couldn't feel anything below my chin, it was scary.
In the OR I couldn't feel myself breathing which was weird and I wasn't breathing well so they had to give me oxygen. Sadie came in right before they began and sat with me. I fell asleep :( I had been having contractions for over 40 hours and slept so little that now that the pain was gone I could not stay awake. I did not get to hear them say when he was born but came to shortly after he arrived. Aiden did not cry :( I remember the panic setting in. I looked over at the warmer and could see that he was blue. His first APGAR score was a 2. They worked wonders and a few minutes later his second score was 6 or 7. He pinked up a little and was breathing. I was not allowed to hold Aiden, he was wheeled by in an incubator and I only got that little glimpse. My poor baby was not tolerating being born 3.5 weeks early and did not like all the drugs they had to give me b/c of the eclampsia.
Sadie went with Aiden and once back in the room I heard he was 7lbs 6oz and 20.25" long, a good size for his gestational age. She said he was making these cute little grunty noises which the nurse then told her weren't good noises, he was struggling to breathe. I wanted to see my baby so badly but there I was back in that bed, flat on my back attached to a blood pressure cuff and a morphine pump for pain. I begged, and begged to see him and finally just after 7PM they brought Aiden to me. I was warned he wasn't holding his temperature well and may have to head back to the warmer. He was crying when they handed him to me and as soon as I held him against me he stopped. One of the nurses said "that's the first time he's stopped crying." Sigh.....he just wanted his momma. I wrapped him up tight and cuddled him close in hopes of keeping him with me and it worked. His temperature regulated and that boy never left my side again.
Aiden is a Leo: Leo is the fifth sign of the zodiac. These folks are impossible to miss, since they love being center stage. Making an impression is Job One for Leos, and when you consider their personal magnetism, you see the job is quite easy. It's the Lion that symbolizes Leos, and the king (or queen) of the jungle is a most appropriate mascot, since they consider themselves the rulers of their universe (and the zodiac at that).Leo is ruled by the Sun -- the center of the universe and the fuel for our being. Those born under this sign are fearless and strong, which may be why Lions plunge in headfirst and let the chips fall where they may.
It explains so much :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Oh My How Things Have Changed
8 years ago life was very different. 8 years ago I was preparing to give birth to my first born. I could never have guessed at how many ways my life would change. Here are a few of the things I can think of that are different.
1) Sleeping in is practically non existent and when it happens it means sleeping until 7:30.
2) The kids have a great wardrobe and I own mom jeans, tshirts and sneakers (a far cry from my retail days).
3) Dinner out means Bugaboo, Applebee's, Friendly's or any place that serves french fries, chicken fingers and mac and cheese from a box.
4) Going to the beach requires a wagon full of sand toys, towels, and floaties and not a book or magazine in sight. How can I read and relax when the kids are in the water??
5) No days off. Ever.
6) Sick days involve doing everything I always do, except I am sick. No lounging on the couch watching TV and resting.
7) I can't ride amusement park rides. I don't know what happened but ever since Big Guy's birth I am super sensitive to motion.
8) My friends are the mothers of the kids friends.
9) Watching TV with the kids around means nothing over PG-13 and learning how to turn down the volume or change the channel quickly.
10) I frequent Toys R Us, Target and Wal Mart more than the mall.
11) I laugh more often. Man can these guys make me laugh.
12) I can smile just thinking about my boys.
13) I've learned that the quote about how being a parent is like having your heart walk around outside your body is true and it's hard.
14) Going to the bathroom alone is a luxury.
15) Getting through a shower without someone barging in to ask a question is a miracle.
16) I know more about what's going on on Phineas and Ferb than the Bachelor.
17) My favorite books are less than 20 pages and have LOTS of pictures.
18) When I get stressed I color. (I used to shop)
19) My bookmarks on the computer are mommy blogs.
20) I have never been happier or more thankful for anything in all my life.
**Please leave a comment with the things in your life that have changed
1) Sleeping in is practically non existent and when it happens it means sleeping until 7:30.
2) The kids have a great wardrobe and I own mom jeans, tshirts and sneakers (a far cry from my retail days).
3) Dinner out means Bugaboo, Applebee's, Friendly's or any place that serves french fries, chicken fingers and mac and cheese from a box.
4) Going to the beach requires a wagon full of sand toys, towels, and floaties and not a book or magazine in sight. How can I read and relax when the kids are in the water??
5) No days off. Ever.
6) Sick days involve doing everything I always do, except I am sick. No lounging on the couch watching TV and resting.
7) I can't ride amusement park rides. I don't know what happened but ever since Big Guy's birth I am super sensitive to motion.
8) My friends are the mothers of the kids friends.
9) Watching TV with the kids around means nothing over PG-13 and learning how to turn down the volume or change the channel quickly.
10) I frequent Toys R Us, Target and Wal Mart more than the mall.
11) I laugh more often. Man can these guys make me laugh.
12) I can smile just thinking about my boys.
13) I've learned that the quote about how being a parent is like having your heart walk around outside your body is true and it's hard.
14) Going to the bathroom alone is a luxury.
15) Getting through a shower without someone barging in to ask a question is a miracle.
16) I know more about what's going on on Phineas and Ferb than the Bachelor.
17) My favorite books are less than 20 pages and have LOTS of pictures.
18) When I get stressed I color. (I used to shop)
19) My bookmarks on the computer are mommy blogs.
20) I have never been happier or more thankful for anything in all my life.
**Please leave a comment with the things in your life that have changed
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Summer
At the beginning of each summer I get this slight sense of dread. Playing cruise director for two active boys is a tough role and in the summer I have to step it up a notch because they are home, ALL day. For me there is a fine balance between over and under scheduling. Under schedule and I hear "I'm bored" and "what are we doing today?" over and over like a broken record. Over schedule and the boys are so tired that their attitudes and behavior stink. I've been walking that fine line since the last day of school. We've had play dates, sleepovers, been to the movies, the races, rollerskating, had fires and s'mores and spent lots of time in the pool.
Ah yes, the pool, we love it. My boys may grow gills before the summer is over. Big guy is a full on swimmer now and is working on his stamina. He's learned to float on his back finally and is even trying the backstroke. He loves to cannonball and after watching his friend do it he is now an underwater swimmer. I love how comfortable he is in the water. Little guy has come leaps and bounds in the pool and this past week has blown us away. He gave up his life jacket and donned a pair of goggle and the rest, they say, is history. Little guy loves to be under the water, is swimming short distances, and can make a heck of a splash doing cannonballs. He's got guts like no other and amazes me with how far he's come so fast. Our friends ask us if we swim all day every day now that we have a pool. We swim every day that the weather cooperates and most days, twice. It's a lot of fun and the boys and I really connect in the pool. We laugh until our belly's hurt, we applaud each others progress and we talk while we float around. I can't say enough about our time in the pool, it's quality time and I am soaking it up.
I can only hope that there are a few more summers to come where doing cannonballs and blowing bubbles underwater are on the agenda. But in case there aren't if you need me I'll be in the pool.
Ah yes, the pool, we love it. My boys may grow gills before the summer is over. Big guy is a full on swimmer now and is working on his stamina. He's learned to float on his back finally and is even trying the backstroke. He loves to cannonball and after watching his friend do it he is now an underwater swimmer. I love how comfortable he is in the water. Little guy has come leaps and bounds in the pool and this past week has blown us away. He gave up his life jacket and donned a pair of goggle and the rest, they say, is history. Little guy loves to be under the water, is swimming short distances, and can make a heck of a splash doing cannonballs. He's got guts like no other and amazes me with how far he's come so fast. Our friends ask us if we swim all day every day now that we have a pool. We swim every day that the weather cooperates and most days, twice. It's a lot of fun and the boys and I really connect in the pool. We laugh until our belly's hurt, we applaud each others progress and we talk while we float around. I can't say enough about our time in the pool, it's quality time and I am soaking it up.
I can only hope that there are a few more summers to come where doing cannonballs and blowing bubbles underwater are on the agenda. But in case there aren't if you need me I'll be in the pool.
Monday, July 16, 2012
It's Not All Butterflies and Daisies
Being a mom is a wonderful thing. It's something I knew I always wanted, something I fought hard for, and something I love with all my heart. That said, being a mom is hard. It's poop, it's puke, it's people telling you they hate you. It is defiance, it is struggle, it is facing your fears. Being a mom means you do anything and everything you never thought you would.
Over the past few years I have had similar discussions with different moms. We all love our children but sometimes being a mom isn't all it's cracked up to be. You get tired, you get sick and by the 459,856th time your child asks "why?" your answer may not be one you are proud of. Someone close to me confessed that she doesn't always like being a mom and sometimes doesn't like her kid. She loves him tons and always will but there are moments when she doesn't "like" him. I get it. I told her it was normal. Am I professional parent? No, but the fact is that everyone mom friend I've been close with has confided nearly the exact same thing. I've decided it's normal but not enough people talk about it. Why is that? What other job in the world is there where you are expected to love every minute of it. I don't know anyone who's caught a puddle of puke in their bare hands and said they loved motherhood right after it. Am I thankful I have a child even when he is spewing geysers? Yes. Am I thankful that sometimes I have to catch it in my hands to avoid a large clean up on the couch? No.
My advice? Well, as stated above, I am not a professional but after nearly 8 years of parenting big guy I have learned a few things. Moms need breaks. They need naps, they need to lose themselves in good books, they need friends and they need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I love to leave the kids behind with Dado and head out to window shop. I crank up the stereo in the car, roll down the windows and rock out like I am a lot younger than I am, it's therapy. I love to come home just in time for bedtime to get my hugs and kisses, read a story and tuck in some sleepy heads. I feel like a better mom after a break, even a short one.
I love my boys but I love me too and that, I have learned, is very important.
Over the past few years I have had similar discussions with different moms. We all love our children but sometimes being a mom isn't all it's cracked up to be. You get tired, you get sick and by the 459,856th time your child asks "why?" your answer may not be one you are proud of. Someone close to me confessed that she doesn't always like being a mom and sometimes doesn't like her kid. She loves him tons and always will but there are moments when she doesn't "like" him. I get it. I told her it was normal. Am I professional parent? No, but the fact is that everyone mom friend I've been close with has confided nearly the exact same thing. I've decided it's normal but not enough people talk about it. Why is that? What other job in the world is there where you are expected to love every minute of it. I don't know anyone who's caught a puddle of puke in their bare hands and said they loved motherhood right after it. Am I thankful I have a child even when he is spewing geysers? Yes. Am I thankful that sometimes I have to catch it in my hands to avoid a large clean up on the couch? No.
My advice? Well, as stated above, I am not a professional but after nearly 8 years of parenting big guy I have learned a few things. Moms need breaks. They need naps, they need to lose themselves in good books, they need friends and they need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I love to leave the kids behind with Dado and head out to window shop. I crank up the stereo in the car, roll down the windows and rock out like I am a lot younger than I am, it's therapy. I love to come home just in time for bedtime to get my hugs and kisses, read a story and tuck in some sleepy heads. I feel like a better mom after a break, even a short one.
I love my boys but I love me too and that, I have learned, is very important.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
She Should Pay Us
Sadie and I have been in couples therapy since December. Things were bad, we were bad, it was our last shot to fixing it. Therapy has definitely helped and things are better.
That said, I really think our therapist should be paying us. Tonight she informed us that she looks forward to our sessions. We all laugh, a lot. We laugh at each other, the situations, our lives, etc. Let's face it, there's a lot of material to work with. I grew up with the undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenic father, have issues communicating my feelings, and have enough emotional baggage I should really pay a bell hop to follow me around. Sadie is the blind girl and stupid sh*t just happens to her because, well, she can't see it coming (insert ba dum bum here). We're poor, we're crafty with our finances and resources and we've learned that even when the crap is hitting the fan if you laugh, it helps. Tonight was no different. At one point I really considered the idea that perhaps we should ask our therapist if we should bring Depends with us for her. She had tears in her eyes from laughing so hard and was struggling to catch her breath. She often tells us to take our act to the comedy connection. I don't think we're that funny, I just think she probably just deals with a lot of dull, depressed people all day.
No real point to this blog post except to say that laughter really is the best medicine and if you can laugh at yourself, kudos to you.
That said, I really think our therapist should be paying us. Tonight she informed us that she looks forward to our sessions. We all laugh, a lot. We laugh at each other, the situations, our lives, etc. Let's face it, there's a lot of material to work with. I grew up with the undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenic father, have issues communicating my feelings, and have enough emotional baggage I should really pay a bell hop to follow me around. Sadie is the blind girl and stupid sh*t just happens to her because, well, she can't see it coming (insert ba dum bum here). We're poor, we're crafty with our finances and resources and we've learned that even when the crap is hitting the fan if you laugh, it helps. Tonight was no different. At one point I really considered the idea that perhaps we should ask our therapist if we should bring Depends with us for her. She had tears in her eyes from laughing so hard and was struggling to catch her breath. She often tells us to take our act to the comedy connection. I don't think we're that funny, I just think she probably just deals with a lot of dull, depressed people all day.
No real point to this blog post except to say that laughter really is the best medicine and if you can laugh at yourself, kudos to you.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
The Little One
Sadie and I agreed upon having one child. She was terrified of being a parent and never imagined herself in that role so one was a huge step. It wasn't much after Big Guy turned one that I knew I HAD to have another baby. I can't really explain it except to say it didn't feel like an option for me. Something, somewhere was nagging at me and I just knew I had to do it. Sadie was reluctant at first but when the same donor we used for Big Guy had some vials returned that were available we jumped on it. It must have been fate that I checked the cryobank website that day but I swooped in and bought those vials as fast as a momma bird swooping in to protect her young.
Conceiving Little Guy was difficult. There was a lot more pressure because we had a limited number of vials (8) which gave us four months of trying to conceive. (We chose 2 vials a month, some people only do 1). Months one and two came and went and that damn pregnancy test broke my heart every time. My cycle got funky from stress and I went to talk to my doctor about getting some help through medication. I was prescribed Clomid and sent off to try again. The third month of trying I was completely convinced I was pregnant. The test, negative. I couldn't understand it until I learned that Clomid side effects can mirror early pregnancy symptoms. Humph. I was depressed, anxious and moody doesn't even begin to describe my Clomid attitude. I would literally laugh and smile one minute and sob uncontrollably the next. I seriously considered not doing Clomid for the next cycle because the side effects were so bad. I could not give up. I took the meds and went on to our last month. The pressure was immense, it was all on me at this point and this was our last shot. I scheduled the two days of insemination's and went to the first. Sadie had an important meeting and couldn't be there so I braved it alone. IUI (intrauterine insemination) wasn't horrible by any means, some times it was slightly painful and others not at all, it's just nerve wracking. I was sitting in the exam room waiting for my doctor to come in and do the procedure. A fair amount of time had passed and I was getting more and more anxious. Then, a knock at the door and in walked one of my favorite NP's. Shuffling in behind the NP was another woman and they both looked very solemn. I don't remember the exact wording but I was told that the medical assistant had, while preparing the vial for insemination, accidentally spilled it's contents. Horror. I cried, a lot. This, our last month, our last two vials and now one of them was gone. The donor had retired and there were no others out there and she spilled one??? I could not comprehend how it happened, could not understand why it was happening to me. I re-assured the assistant that while I was devastatingly sad I was not angry at her, and I wasn't. Mistakes do happen, to everyone, and she was genuinely sorry. How could I be angry at her? I was, instead, angry at the world. The prepared the last vial and I was inseminated and instead of the usual 10 minutes with my feet in the air they gave me at least 20 to try to ease my mind. It didn't matter though, I knew I would not get pregnant. Nothing had gone as planned this time, nothing was working and the spilled vial was just another sign I should be happy with Big Guy and let it go. Low and behold, just 9 days later there was a + on the pregnancy test, faint but there. I was convinced it was a false positive because in my head I had resigned to the fact that this wasn't going to work. I took something like 11 tests before I believed it.
My pregnancy went fairly smooth. I had some issues with my blood pressure but nothing like the pre-eclampsia I experienced with Big Guy. I spent one night in the hospital prior to delivery because of elevated pressure and little fetal movement but all was well in the end. Little guy arrived on his scheduled c-section date at 39 weeks. My doctor had to use the vacuum to get him out because he was so tightly wedged in my pelvis and could barely lift him over the curtain for me to see. In fact, all I got to see were the family jewels. Little guy weighed in at 10 pounds 14 ounces and from the moment my eyes met his I knew why he had to be. Little Guy is an old soul, someone you've known forever.
I can't imagine life without my boys and I am ever so thankful to the man who chose to be a sperm donor. I do not know your name or where you live but I feel like I know so much about you through watching my boys grow. You will never be able to understand the gift you have given me. You gave me the gift of motherhood, you gave me the gift of sons, you gave me the gift of life.
Conceiving Little Guy was difficult. There was a lot more pressure because we had a limited number of vials (8) which gave us four months of trying to conceive. (We chose 2 vials a month, some people only do 1). Months one and two came and went and that damn pregnancy test broke my heart every time. My cycle got funky from stress and I went to talk to my doctor about getting some help through medication. I was prescribed Clomid and sent off to try again. The third month of trying I was completely convinced I was pregnant. The test, negative. I couldn't understand it until I learned that Clomid side effects can mirror early pregnancy symptoms. Humph. I was depressed, anxious and moody doesn't even begin to describe my Clomid attitude. I would literally laugh and smile one minute and sob uncontrollably the next. I seriously considered not doing Clomid for the next cycle because the side effects were so bad. I could not give up. I took the meds and went on to our last month. The pressure was immense, it was all on me at this point and this was our last shot. I scheduled the two days of insemination's and went to the first. Sadie had an important meeting and couldn't be there so I braved it alone. IUI (intrauterine insemination) wasn't horrible by any means, some times it was slightly painful and others not at all, it's just nerve wracking. I was sitting in the exam room waiting for my doctor to come in and do the procedure. A fair amount of time had passed and I was getting more and more anxious. Then, a knock at the door and in walked one of my favorite NP's. Shuffling in behind the NP was another woman and they both looked very solemn. I don't remember the exact wording but I was told that the medical assistant had, while preparing the vial for insemination, accidentally spilled it's contents. Horror. I cried, a lot. This, our last month, our last two vials and now one of them was gone. The donor had retired and there were no others out there and she spilled one??? I could not comprehend how it happened, could not understand why it was happening to me. I re-assured the assistant that while I was devastatingly sad I was not angry at her, and I wasn't. Mistakes do happen, to everyone, and she was genuinely sorry. How could I be angry at her? I was, instead, angry at the world. The prepared the last vial and I was inseminated and instead of the usual 10 minutes with my feet in the air they gave me at least 20 to try to ease my mind. It didn't matter though, I knew I would not get pregnant. Nothing had gone as planned this time, nothing was working and the spilled vial was just another sign I should be happy with Big Guy and let it go. Low and behold, just 9 days later there was a + on the pregnancy test, faint but there. I was convinced it was a false positive because in my head I had resigned to the fact that this wasn't going to work. I took something like 11 tests before I believed it.
My pregnancy went fairly smooth. I had some issues with my blood pressure but nothing like the pre-eclampsia I experienced with Big Guy. I spent one night in the hospital prior to delivery because of elevated pressure and little fetal movement but all was well in the end. Little guy arrived on his scheduled c-section date at 39 weeks. My doctor had to use the vacuum to get him out because he was so tightly wedged in my pelvis and could barely lift him over the curtain for me to see. In fact, all I got to see were the family jewels. Little guy weighed in at 10 pounds 14 ounces and from the moment my eyes met his I knew why he had to be. Little Guy is an old soul, someone you've known forever.
I can't imagine life without my boys and I am ever so thankful to the man who chose to be a sperm donor. I do not know your name or where you live but I feel like I know so much about you through watching my boys grow. You will never be able to understand the gift you have given me. You gave me the gift of motherhood, you gave me the gift of sons, you gave me the gift of life.
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