Selective Hearing

The selective hearing in my house could win awards.  Now, I know I am inevitably going to hear from women who will gush on and on about how if I were married to a man I would really know about selective hearing.  For whatever reason, men seem to take the cake on this particular trait.  So, let me pre-empt that but telling you all that Sadie is really a dude.  No, not like pre or post op dude but she acts more like a guy than a couple of my friends husbands (those with well dressed husbands and color coordinated closets know who you are).  Sadie believes me when I say I am "fine", forgets holidays, believes me when I say we aren't going to exchange gifts at Xmas or for our anniversary and feigns surprise when I get her something, and has selective hearing which when you combine with the blind thing makes for a really great Helen Keller joke.  Mostly though, I refer to my boys.  I often find myself speaking to walls, floors, ceilings, and many other inanimate objects because the animate ones aren't listening.  I get that they are kids and often caught up in play but the thing that really gets me is when they ask me a question and then don't listen to the answer and say "what?"  or ask it again. " Momma's gonna lose her shiz-nit honey" is what I want to say as I sometimes not so patiently try again.  There are also the times when you ask them something or tell them to do something and they say "what?" I repeat and they repeat "what?" I say it a third time through gritted teeth omitting f*ck from in between each word which is now how I hear it in my head.  And again, I hear "what?"  This is when all bets are off and momma turns into a crazy lady.  Sometimes I just scream because I figure a guttural scream is better than the slew of profanities I really want to sling in their direction.  I've learned to employ a few tricks of the trade like making them stop what they are doing and look me in the eye, or stand right in front of them while talking but these only work about 30% of the time.  So what do I do?  I beat my fists in the air while I scream and throw a little hissy fit to let off steam, I stick my head in the freezer to cool off (a trick I learned shortly after giving birth to A)  and I bitch to friends because the same thing happens to them too and then I don't feel so alone. 

Stories for Another Day

A few weeks ago Sadie and I were sitting with the boys on the couch and we started talking about life when they were babies (I mean, really 5 and 7.5 year olds are SO grown up).  We laughed over a lot of the stories of toddler mischief and new parenting mistakes.  There was only one problem, we didn't have much material for the 5 year old. 

Our first born, A, was a handful.  The journal I kept for him is full of stories of destruction and mayhem.  A used to empty the tupperware cabinet and pots and pans drawer on a regular basis, loved tearing all the diapers out of the cabinet, painted himself with Desitin, fell asleep in a cabinet while playing hide and seek and used to climb his dresser, take the lampshade off the lamp and burn a hole in the plastic covering of the changing pad in the time it would take me to pee.  He kept me on my toes and R should be thankful I ever considered having another child.  That said , A was a cuddler, a momma's boy and made me laugh a lot. 

R was the good baby.  He slept well, napped well, and rarely caused trouble.  Whether it was his nature or the fact that A had trained me well and I knew what to watch for we will never know.  All I know is that R's journal is filled with stories of things like long cuddly naps, favorite toys and my professing my love for him repeatedly.  He was easy.  R was sad there were not as many funny stories about him and I tried to reassure him it was just because he was so good, not because I had forgotten to write them down.  Sure, there was the time he was in the jumparoo and a mysterious brown puddle formed under his feet, and the ball popper that became a pacifier popper but nothing big. 

In the past few days though R has added to his journal.  It started with another mom telling me she heard R say he "goosed" someone on the playground.  I asked him what "goosed" meant and he said "you know, like duck, duck goose. I goosed someone."  That was a good laugh.  Then yesterday my little man unknowingly auditioned to be a Chippendale.  I sent him to bed in his Batman footy pj's and he came out in the AM in boxer briefs and a sparkly green light up bow tie from St. Patrick's Day.  So while his baby/toddlerhood were not the most amusing I do believe he will make up for that and have stories to share another day. 

Living In the Moment

I used to hate all of those corny sayings like "be in the moment", "focus on the now", "one step at a time" and all the others I have blocked from my mind.  I don't know why they struck such a nerve with me but they literally made my skin crawl every time someone posted them on FB or said them out loud.  Lately though, I've been living in the moment, there I said it.  I have so many balls up in the air and I am trying to do so much that living in the moment is the only way to survive.

Life is busy for everyone, I know.  We all have our stuff whether we have kids or not.  Somehow, everyone I know has a full plate and needs more hours in their day.  I often wonder why we all do this to ourselves.  For me, everything that's going on is something I want to be involved with and I find it hard to say no to things that are important to me. 

My friend Jess is doing great after having her brain tumor removed but will soon start chemo.  I chat with her on FB more than anything lately and it's nice to have bits and pieces of her friendship back as she feels better.  I often remind myself that when things look or feel really bad for me, she has it worse and I shouldn't complain.  I've been running her donation site to raise funds to help with their expenses, organizing a group of people to donate meals for her family, and trying to spread the word about a benefit dance her family and friends have organized.  I wish I could do more, wish I could donate meals myself but since I can barely afford to feed my own family I organize and donate my time instead.

Sadie's eyesight has been deteriorating quickly and we are waiting until April 17th to head to Boston and get some answers.  We have known all along this would happen eventually but the swiftness in which it occurred is troubling and we are hoping to be able to fix some of it.  It's particularly difficult for me because I know that she is struggling big time with work and day to day things and is extremely stressed about thinking about the future and what is to come.  I try to support the best I can but inside I am equally as stressed.  This means huge changes for our family dynamic as she may no longer be our breadwinner.  I've been keeping my eye on the job market and polishing up my resume but I do so with a heavy heart.  I don't blame her in any way, let's get that out of the way. She never asked to be blind, I get that.  It's just a lot for me to process and I can already feel myself mourning my stay at home mom status. I am thankful for every day I have had home with my boys, volunteering in the schools, arranging playdates, transporting to appointments, etc. and I know I should focus on what I have had and not on what I will not in the future.  It's just hard.  I knew this day would come but are you ever really ready?? 

Riley is getting ready for Kindergarten!  I can't believe that  my baby is going to school.  Wow. I registered him the other night and set up his screening appointment.  Now I am also dealing with his IEP and getting speech services set up for him in public school.  There are so many details to remember and ducks to get in a row.  In addition I think he has some sort of food allergy but his pediatrician doesn't agree.  Time to call back and fight for my kid and what he needs!

Then there's money.  When isn't money a concern? I think I have finally come up with enough to regsiter my car by the end of the month which is a relief.  The big stress is that my lease comes to an end in June.  I want to buy the car out but.......my credit sucks and I need a co-signer.  Sadie's credit isn't good enough so that leaves me......without a co-signer, without a car, ugh.  Even if by some miracle someone steps forward and offers to co-sign I don't have any money to put towards buying the car.  Nothing for the taxes and fees, etc.  I'm at a loss and the stress of this weighs on me every moment of every day.

Housing.  My mom put her house on the market so she can move up here and buy a house we can all live in together.  It's very promising and the thought of living in a home and not an apartment anymore is amazing.  Then there's the but......but, it can't happen until her house sells.  I worry about all the extra work she's done to ready her house for the market, all the extra money she's spent and worry she won't be able to sell it for the price she needs to pay off her mortgage.  I also worry she'll regret moving and living together and somehow will blame me.  I love her so much for wanting to help and want everything to go well but I am realistic and know there will be bumps in the road.  I just hope we can make it through them OK. 

So there's my bitch fest, my gut spill, my explanation to the world why I am not myself lately.  All of these balls in the air, all of this juggling, worry, stress, unknown.....it's all sitting here in my head spinning round and round. And now, I will remind myself to live in the moment, this moment in which the dog needs to go out, fun.

I Think I Just Got Played

Let me preface this with; I love my kids, a lot.

Now, let's get down to the nitty gritty.  A, the oldest at 7.5, is a bit of a player.  He's the one who can convince me he's sick when really he just wants a day off.  He's good and I'm pretty sure he got it from me, whoops. 

This morning was going well.  A was dressed for school, his bags were packed, we had 20 minutes before we needed to leave and his bedroom looked like a bomb went off.  To be fair, A and Ri share a room so the mess is BOTH of their issues.  Yesterday however, Ri cleaned for 5 minutes when asked to and I did notice a slight improvement.  So, in my infinite wisdom (ha!) I decided A could take 5 minutes before school and work on the room.  WoW!  You would think I asked him to clean the entire house including spit shining the floors and mirrors.  I got attitude, a lot of it, and the amount of whining coming from that room would put that little piggy on the Geico commercials to shame.  5 minutes went by and I opened the door.  Nothing had changed except that my happy agreeable boy from 5 minutes ago was now a crying, snotty, I can't chanting mess.  I informed A that he would do the 5 minutes over after school and it would cut into his Wii time.  When will I learn??  I should have saved that bit of info. for when he arrived home because all I did was start a war.  The boy flew into a rage, slamming doors, melting down and repeating over and over "I can't, I just can't".  Now, I've given in to this before and cuddled and loved him back to a sense of sanity but I've since learned it does no good.  He thinks he can get away with this behavior and does it again, and again.  So today I took the hard line.  We all got ready and walked out the door to the car and A was told to meet us there.  He didn't.  I went in, warned him to get ready.....nothing.  He finally emerged with a snot dripping nose and jacket on but not zipped.  I took it as the white flag.  I drive to school and arrive at the drop off destination.  In my head I am singing a happy little tune and looking forward to the boy child exiting the vehicle but, he doesn't.  I check the doors, yup, unlocked.  Nothing. I remind him where his bags are and still....nothing.  Fearing the wrath of those waiting in line behind me I pull forward into a parking space and get out of the car and open his door.  I walk him in, he's pissed.  I chat with him inside the school to make sure he's OK and as soon as the bags hit his shoulder to go to class the tears are back in his eyes.  This is where I crumble.  I hug, I kiss, I cuddle for a minute and I ask if he wants me to walk him to class.  "No" he says as he starts to walk away.  I take a deep breath and get ready to turn and leave when he stops.  "well, if you want to" he says.  So I sign in as a visitor and together we brave the halls of his school.  I'm expecting a bit of a teary good bye when we arrive at his classroom, to me he's obviously having a really hard time today.  We get there and I brace myself.  A walks in to the room and immediately a huge smile crosses his face.  He turns to look at me and smiles as he says good bye.

I've been played.

There Are Days.....

when I just want to crawl back into bed and try for a do-over.  I'm not much of a morning person anymore.  I can't say when that changed but currently I enjoy sleeping (or half sleeping while listening to the kids play) until the last possible second.  Once I get up it's kind of  race to get everything done in time but I do, most of the time, barring unforeseen circumstances, like today.

I didn't want to get up this morning but the dog had other ideas even before the alarm.  So I got up with her and dozed on the couch for a bit more.  Sadie was up, showered, dressed and ready to head out the door when she got a text that her ride to work was out sick.  Ugh.  I was stuck figuring out when I was going to get Sadie to work.  I had to get A to school, Ri to speech and then counseling, there wasn't much wiggle room.  That little bit of stress was enough to set me on edge so I got up and hit the shower.  I had Sadie wake the boys (of course they want to sleep in on a school day) so they could start getting ready.  Apparently the dog got in their room and in her puppy exuberance over seeing them she scratched Ri's arm pretty bad.  Post shower I got to play nurse maid to Ri and convince him he was not dying......cue the moaning from A who insists that HE is dying, is exhausted and cannot get up because he will fall right back down he's so tired.  After several minutes consoling A and checking his temp (nope, no fever) he was on his way to getting ready for school.  Everything was falling into place, we were all ready early, I was feeling better about the day and then the toilet overflowed, A LOT.  A, also known as Captain Obvious, stood in the bathroom watching it happen and said simply "there's water coming from the toilet."  3,000 towels, 2 inches of standing toilet water, a waterfall down the stairs to the kitchen and a frantic call from the landladies because they have water coming from the ceiling later....I'm a wreck.  My nerves are shot, my patience gone and the tears spring to my eyes at the mere mention of another 12 hours in my day.  All this and I hadn't even left the house yet.  I sopped up all the water and threw the wet towels into the bathtub and managed to get A to school on time, Ri to speech a few mins. late and Sadie to work.  What I really wanted to do was hop in my car and drive.....just drive until I ended up somewhere far from home, far from toilet water soaked towels and a floor needing to be bleached.

I keep trying to get in a better frame of mind but frankly it's not working.  Thinking positively only gets me so far.  Somehow every time I have to load the washer with more nasty towels my positivity fades.  There's always tomorrow right? 

Grown Up Friendships

It's hard to make friends when you are a grown up. I mean real friends. Sure there are lots of people you like and hang out with on the playground at preschool or at soccer games but how many friends are the kind you can depend on? Late this summer my best friend (friends from high school) and I had a fight. We had different visions of what our friendship was and what we wanted from it (I believe I was told I was too needy) and we went our separate ways. In the process of explaining to her how I felt things didn't come out how I meant and her feelings got hurt and she fired back in a big way and my feelings were crushed. We weren't speaking but were still FB "friends" until my kids and I didn't even get an invite to her son's bday party. Her kids have always been like family to me and I considered them my nieces and nephews. So, after hearing about the birthday on FB I couldn't handle the hurt anymore and I deleted her. We haven't spoken in 5 months and it's actually been a good thing for me. I'm glad I stood up for myself and did what I needed to do. (of course, there are 2 sides to every story and I am sure she has her own and that's fine)

I began broadening my friendship horizons and started getting closer with another preschool mom, Jess. For whatever reason we just kind of click. We can hang out and gossip and chit chat but we can also hang out and not say much and it's not awkward. It's nice. Right now I'd say she's the closest thing I have to a best friend.

A little over 6 months ago Jessica's best friend Karolina died, suddenly, of a brain aneurysm. I hear about Karolina a lot, she must have been an amazing person and friend. I worry I will never be as good a friend and Jess deserves it. Ever since Karolina's death Jess has wanted an MRI. She and Karolina used to both get headaches and after the aneurysm Jess needed peace of mind that she didn't have one too. It took a while for her to convince her doctor and in the end it took her husband Eric going in and getting her a referral to a neurologist. I love that he took care of her like that. So, recently she had an MRI. It was supposed to be quick, no contrast and then they pulled her out and said they had just spoken with her doctor and she now wanted contrast. The next day Jess found out she has a brain tumor. All I could think was WTF?? What are the odds that she was going in to rule out an aneurysm and would instead find out she had a tumor. Everything since then has been a bit of a blur. She's having surgery this Friday to have it removed. They are unsure of so many things and her recovery is really based on what happens Friday. It could be really fast and easy or it could be long and painful. At any rate, I'm scared. I'm scared for what she has to go through and all the things she's scared about. Most of all though I'm scared that I am going to lose my friend. I don't mean that I think she will die but that this will change her. I've googled all I can google and that's one of the things that keeps coming up. Personality changes, mood changes......sigh. I just want her to be her and to not have to go through this. It seems like too much for someone who's already been through so much this year. So keep her in your thoughts please, she needs all the positive thinking she can get.

More on Jess:
http://www.jheath.blog.com/

To make a donation:
http://www.everribbon.com/ribbon/view/5066

I've been MIA

I was so excited in that last post for the boys to be going back to school. After a busy summer trying to keep them entertained I was ready for a little peace and quiet. Has anyone seen my peace and quiet?

I cannot believe how busy our lives are. Riley has preschool 3 times a week for a few hours and speech the other 2 days plus a therapy appointment. Aiden has school every day and once a week while Ri is at school I volunteer in his classroom. One day a week after school he has a therapy appt and one night a week he has basketball practice. Saturday mornings find us at Aiden's basketball games and Saturday afternoons are usually spent visiting grandparents or having playdates, etc. I'm not sure where working parents find the time for all of this. At this point it's nearly impossible for me to get a regular job, there's just no time unless you count nights.

A lot of people have been asking lately why I don't work. We obviously need the income. Mostly I think that it's no one's business but part of me wants to explain because I don't think they get it. My partner in life is blind. It adds this completely different element to our relationship. For the most part she's wonderfully independent. She works full time, has arranged rides to and from work most days, and though she complains, I also think she's proud to support her family. Now that said there are just things she can't do. She can't pick the kids up from school if they are sick, can't take them to doctors appointments, and can't go in to work late or leave early if I need her to. All of those things make me getting a regular job really difficult. Could we do it? Yes. Would it be worth the little money that was left after having to pay for child care for Ri and before and after school for A? No. So until it's easier I stay home and I really do love it. I'm exhausted and sometimes bored with almost 5 year old and 7.5 year old humor but I wouldn't trade it.

So that's where I've been......here, there and everywhere multiple times a day :)